We've Only Just Begun

As I sit here at my laptop I realize, that even after all I've been through thus far, I've only just begun the journey with cancer. What many who are on the outside looking in fail to realize is that surgery is the easy part. Well, for the most part, unless you're me of course. Yes, I've had some difficulties and some setbacks but it's the chemo that scares me. The not knowing how it will effect my body or how I will react to the treatment is somewhat nerve racking.

I have to be honest in saying that I was not the least disappointed having my chemo pushed back so many times because of my infections and surgeries.....even though my chemo doctor was definitely stalking me. The main reason is because I do not want my hair to fall out. My eyes well up even at the thought, but the time has come.

Tuesday I had my port placed and chemo begins next week *heavy sigh*. The whole process for me was horrible. It was surgery and in my opinion, very invasive surgery, and yet I was awake the entire time. The nurse assured me that she would sedate me and I'd be in and out but it wouldn't be a big deal. She was a liar! First of all I never received any sedation medication through my IV until she heard the first scream escape my lips. That was caused by the doctor plunging the numbing needle deeply into my collar bone area, neck, and then shoulder. It didn't get much better. Those needles had numbed me so I couldn't feel the pain however, I could feel everything else.

I didn't experience the pain of the incision but I could feel them cutting me. I didn't experience pain from the catheter but I definitely felt them pushing their way through my chest and threading it up through my neck and into my main artery near the heart...and there was a LOT of pushing and tugging. At one point all I could do was lay there silently sobbing with tears rolling down my cheeks. This was torture. By the time it was over, an hour and fifteen minutes later, I WAS FURIOUS. I could have fought every single person in the room for subjecting me to that agony. When I got to recovery and they checked my vitals my blood pressure was 194/127 and she didn't understand why *blank stare*. I couldn't wait to get home...or so I thought.

I got home and settled into my bed to rest AND calm down. I was tired and definitely sore.....then the anesthesia began to wear off.  *INSERT EXPLETIVES HERE*. The pain was unbearable. I had to leave the room in order not to cry in front of the kids. I tried to be brave and ride it out but within ten minutes I was calling the doctor. He was of great help. He advised me to take Ibuprofen *INSERT MORE EXPLETIVES HERE*. Luckily I had some vicadin left over from one of my many surgeries so I took two of those and waited patiently for them to take the edge off.

My experiences thus far have been very eventful and even agonizing at times. This is also part of the reason I am apprehensive about starting chemo. However, there is a bigger part of me that is ready to get this show on the road. The sooner all of this behind me the sooner I can get on the road to recovery. So, for now, full speed ahead.