Saturday, March 5, 2011

To Teach or Not to Teach

A couple of weeks ago I had the pleasure of visiting my students whom I haven't seen since I left to have surgery. They were so excited to see me and I know I was definitely excited to see them. I spent about an hour with them talking to each and every one of them individually. Some of them asked if I was coming back and one student announced that she had heard I wasn't their teacher anymore. We laughed and talked and had  a great visit. I left school feeling like I was on cloud nine. I even had 'brinner' (breakfast for dinner) with my girls and Lauren. I was a great day!!

At least it was until about 8:30pm. It was about that time that I could feel myself begin to delve in to a depression. At first I couldn't understand it especially after the fabulous day I just had. By 11 o'clock I was in tears and cried for at least an hour. Then it hit me like a ton of bricks. I was feeling the stress my colleagues were going through at work. It was so thick in the air you could cut it with a knife. It's that time of the year - test prep time. Every single school in the district experiences this stress during this time of the year. I could recognize the looks in their eyes. It's the same look I would have right now if I were there. They were careful to not burden me with all the instructional ins and outs but I've been through it so many times I would recognize it a mile away. It's the pressure we feel to ensure our kids succeed because these scores are how the public determines how effective we are at our jobs. But of course there is nothing there that measures the noses we wipe, the tears we dry, the encouragement we give, the self-esteem we boost, the hugs we pass out, and the list goes on and on. But for now I have to ask myself the question: To teach or not to teach?

Honestly, thus far the question has answered itself for me because at every turn I have experienced some sort of road block that has prevented me from even considering returning to work right now. As a teacher I felt an obligation to my students more than anyone or anything else. Those are my babies. But my body is shutting me down. I've already got so much stress to deal with that when I think about going back to work I begin to itch. Everyone, including my principal, keeps telling me to take my time and take care of myself first. So as hard as it is to let go sometimes I need to focus on me for a while.



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