Saturday, April 23, 2011

Weak Weary and Worn

Today is a bad day. I'm tired.....very tired and right now my life is hard. I am so physically exhausted I just wish I could crawl under a bed and sleep until this all went away.

This morning I went to the grocery store to get a few things and I literally had to stop and rest against something at least three times because my body ached so badly. I would never wish this kind of suffering on anyone. My feet, ankles, and hand are swollen to the point of pain but right now the worst of my suffering is the mood swings. They're horrible. HORRIBLE....and I feel so helpless because I can't stop them. Even though I know it's coming or I'm in the middle of one I cannot control my emotions. Most of all, I feel bad for my kids. I've tried to explain it to them and they seem to understand but have you ever watched your child come to you for something that seemingly shouldn't be a big deal and you feel yourself about to snap? Your body language tells it all and right when it's about to spew you see them take a few steps back, say nevermind I'll wait, and walk away. HEARTBREAKING yet it happens more often than I am comfortable with.

My daughter Alexis is the one who recognizes my despair when it hits. Everyday she tries to make things easier and more normal for me. She is always hugging and kissing me and checking to see if there is anything I may need. She tries to do things she thinks would allow me to rest. Anything she thinks would help. Right now she is sitting in the kitchen watching eggs boil so they don't burn. It's sweet yet heartbreaking at the same time because she shouldn't have to worry about me. She is the only one who recognizes that today I just can't seem to pull myself together and she hasn't seen even the million tears I've shed in the past hour alone.

Today I wish I could crawl into my mother's arms for comfort.

I am a stranger in my own skin and it sucks. Yes, today is a very bad day. However, as I attempt to pull myself out of this low I will use these lyrics to encourage me:

I've had some good days
I've had some hills to climb
I've had some weary days
And some sleepless nights

But when I look around
And I think things over
All of my good days
Outweigh my bad days
I won't complain





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