A Light at the End of the Tunnel

Well, it's definitely been a while since I've blogged. It's been a whirlwind of activity with the end of the school year, kids, chemo, and such. I am very excited about the coming of my sixth and final chemotherapy session but on the same note my heart has been kind of heavy and so I shall write.

I cannot begin to tell you excited I am about the end of chemo. The first thing people say when they hear me say I just have one more left is,"So what happens next?" My answer is always the same..."Well then I start radiation everyday for the next six weeks, Monday through Friday," and I get the inevitable *blank stare*. They're looking at me like "So WHY are you excited again?" Well, to put it in a concise manner CHEMO SUCKS. It's one of the hardest things I've ever experienced....and the more chemo you have the worse it gets, and by 'it' I mean my physical state. It has ripped me apart from the inside out. It's to the point now that unless I have to leave the house I spend the majority of the time in bed. I just don't have the energy and I can't even pretend like I do.

I used to enjoy hanging with friends during the upswing in-between chemos but those upswings no longer exist. There used to be about a week and a half time span in-between where I felt okay enough to go out and socialize however that has dwindled down to nothing. Now, when I do go out of the house, I secretly long to be back home. So yea, I'm looking forward to six weeks of radiation.

Amazingly, most people compliment me on how well I look when they see me out and about and that makes me feel good. It balances out those days when I stand in front of a mirror and don't even recognize myself. I've gone through so much these past few years and especially these past six months that it's hard for me to imagine living a 'normal' life again. The most honest thing I could tell you right now is that I feel like damaged goods.

BUT THERE IS A LIGHT AT THE END OF THE TUNNEL.....

My last chemo WILL be the hardest but I will make it through. I don't know how long it will be before I recover from it but I fully intend to do so. Then, after those six weeks of radiation I will take my battle worn body, come home from this tour of duty to begin civilian life again....and YES dammit I want a parade, with streamers, a band , the whole nine yards!! So look out, I will be back.