A Dream Deferred

A DREAM DEFERRED
by
Langston Hughes

What happens to a dream deferred?Does it dry up
like a raisin in the sun?
Or fester like a sore--
And then run?
Does it stink like rotten meat?
Or crust and sugar over--
like a syrupy sweet?Maybe it just sags
like a heavy load.Or does it explode? 

For a long time, the idea of me feeling normal again was a distant dream. I had gotten so used to the aches, pains, fatigue, and other symptoms that came along with my disease and subsequent treatment. Through the chemotherapy, which wreaked havoc on my entire body, inside and out to radiation which was very tolerable until the end, I have experienced a wide range of conditions and variety of symptoms.

I was never as glad as I was when I had taken my last treatment and felt overly-excited about returning to my 'normal' self again. Now, I heard from other survivors stories about how you never fully recuperate and how the smallest illness , like a cold, could wipe you out for weeks. I would especially hear of these tales when I would mention how tired I often was. Well, my last treatment had come and gone and I was anxiously awaiting my 'normal' feeling to return. It never did. I still woke up with horrible headaches, felt tired to the point of distraction, and still held onto the occasional body ache. Trying to sustain energy and focus for my classroom full of twenty-three rambunctious first and second-graders was almost impossible, to say the least.

As the days went by, my fatigue became markedly increased, to the point where if I sat still for any length of time I would nod. Now, when I say nod, I don't mean the slow blinks that precede a slight bobbing of the head. A nod for me was a sudden neck spasm that marked me waking up and not even realizing I had fallen asleep. Unfortunately, I most often noticed this on my rides to and from work...and it was SCARY!

I began to think that maybe what others, mainly my treatment nurses who often witnessed my sleeping habits while in their care, were saying about the possibility of me having sleep apnea wasn't as far fetched as I had originally thought. In my quest to find out what was wrong with me I scheduled a sleep study. After I arrived at the hospital to be wired and tested the technician explained the process. It was a two-part study. The first night you would be wired up and monitored in an effort to see if and how often your breathing was disrupted during the night and to also monitor the oxygen levels in your body during sleep. If it was discovered you had sleep apnea then you would come back a second night and get wired up and hooked to a breathing machine to determine how your body would respond to the treatment.

Now that you know how it's supposed to go, let me tell you how my sleep study went! Everything began exactly the way it should have. I got comfortable, put my PJs on, and the technician came in and wired me up. This process took about 30 minutes and let me tell you I looked ridiculously hilarious once it was over. Despite all that, I settled in to bed watched some TV and read a couple of magazines before drifting off at about 11:00pm. At approximately 1:00am I felt the technician gently waking me up so he could slip a mask over my head. Being that I was so groggy and into my sleep, I just let him do it then I rolled on over and went back to sleep.

The next morning I was awakened at about six thirty to be unhooked and released. While he unhooked the thousands of wires I asked how many times I had stopped breathing. He responded, "Well, by the time I came in an put you on the c-pap machine you had already stopped breathing 98 times. Your blood oxygen levels were down to 65%.

<insert blank stare here>

Needless to say, I do not have to return for part two of the study and a machine has already been ordered for me. Hopefully, it will be delivered by the end of the week.

For me this diagnosis is a RELIEF!! Finally, I understand why I feel the way I do and can do something about it. For those of you who don't know, sleep apnea can cause high blood pressure, congestive heart failure, fatigue, headaches, slowed metabolism and may also contribute to the development and/or progression of diabetes. Check. Check. Check. Check. and Check. I have already been diagnosed with five out of six of those conditions. Sleep apnea is also hereditary.

I was excited to know there is something legitimately wrong with me and these feelings aren't just figments of my imagination. Now I just have to wait. I'm sitting on pins and needles hoping this machine is delivered sooner than later. However, until then my dreams will have to be 'deferred'.

My message here is to always be pro-active when it comes to your health. Once it's gone you truly have nothing left. And ladies, if you haven't done it lately, PLEASE FEEL YOUR BOOBIES!!



I Will Survive

It's past midnight and I should be in the bed. I have to be at the hospital at six in the morning for surgery prep to have my power port removed. This is the mechanism through which I have received my chemotherapy treatments for the past year. It is marking the end of the cancer era for me and the beginning of a new one....the one of SURVIVORSHIP!!

I am excited about having this foreign object removed from my body because it has been a big inconvenience from day one. The doctors all worked overtime to convince me to have this port implanted because it would make treatments go so much smoother than having to place an IV for every treatment. Their argument was that with this port they could draw blood AND administer my chemo through a one stick process every time. It sounded GREAT - but if you guys REALLY know me, then you know NOTHING medically is ever that easy when it comes to me.

From day one my port was a big PAIN IN THE ASS!!! I won't even talk about how I had to be awake during the surgery while they implanted it into my chest and ran the tube from my port, up to my neck and into my jugular vein so it emptied directly into my heart to pump those toxic chemicals through my system. Yea, I'd better not mention the HORROR of that ordeal. Or of how my port was tilted at an angle that no one could seem to access through just ONE stick. Or of how there was only one person who could ever access it properly the first time. OR of how, when the nurses saw me coming in for treatment, they scattered about like worker ants who SUDDENLY had so much to do because none of them would come near me or my port because of how I gave the business to the first nurse who inflicted so much pain upon me!! Yea, the nurses and I got a big laugh out of it MUCH later but none of them EVER attempted to try when it was time for the 'sticking' to be done. Hilarious was when they tried to send in a 'new girl' one day to do it. I didn't have the heart to send her to her demise so I properly informed her that the other nurses were setting her up for failure. Then I promptly sent her BACK out to the nurses station to tell them to quit playing!!!

AHHHHHH.....the good ol' days.

Well, I'd better go to bed because I have less than five hours to sleep. Pray for the medical staff that this all goes well. If it doesn't, you'll read about it tomorrow!!

CRAMPING My Style

*WARNING: This post contains unlimited amounts of sarcasm*

Today I am sitting in the doctor's office again searching for a few answers. I've been feeling more beside myself than usual so I'm desperately trying to get it together. During my last cancer treatment the doctors discovered that my potassium levels had bottomed out at dangerously low proportions and I was required to have a two-hour potassium drip before I could leave. (I'm going to conveniently leave out the fact that it was because I wasn't taking the potassium pills I was prescribed to offset depletion due to other medications they had me taking).

The nurse stated I need to come back in two weeks for additional lab work to see how I was progressing. Well, It's been three weeks and my symptoms are back with a vengeance: Light-headedness, nausea, muscles cramps/spasms in my extremities, and headaches etc. So here I am!

My labs FINALLY came back and they are all normal. YaY.....(not). I still don't know what's wrong with me and I made it very clear to my nurse I wasn't happy with all this 'normal levels' nonsense and she had some more work to do!! I've learned to be careful what you wish for because now I have two MORE hours of fluid to intake intravenously. Tracy (that's my nurse) is now looking into the fact that it may be due to some of the meds I am on. (YOU THINK?!?!? It's not like I'm taking a million pills a day.)

The FINAL outcome is that I have to discontinue one of my meds until I see my primary care physician next week (*voice inside my head* JUST ONE!?!?!), the other 99,000 I have to keep taking until....until....Well, just until.

I told you all that cancer is the gift that just keeps on giving....out of the numerous pills I take a day, most of them are to treat a condition created from the cancer/cancer-treatment or to keep the cancer from coming back...Oh yea, did I mention the "anti-cancer" pill I have to take twice a day for five years?!?!

But I digress....LOL. I just needed to vent AND occupy my time since I've been here ALL DAY!! The bright side is that I'm still cancer-free and "living my life like it's golden".

Be Blessed My Friends!!



Missing You

As I sit here receiving one of my last cancer treatments I can't help but reflect on where this journey has taken me. It's been one heck of a roller coaster ride with many twists and turns, ups and downs, and a couple of inside out loops! Through it all I have laughed, cried, and slept for days on end just to name a few emotions.

Being this close to the end of the road for my cancer treatment has me emotional. Ecstatic is an understatement for how I feel. I only have one treatment left and in three weeks I will receive a clean bill of health and be released from care except for my yearly check-ups and scans. Lord knows I have had more than enough set-backs than the law should allow but it has made me more than ready for this milestone. I will receive my last treatment on March 15th and my last MUGA scan on March 29th, just in time for spring break. Needless to say I shall reward myself this year with a trip and a grand celebration.

With all the celebration of being cancer-free there is also someone that needs to mourned. Someone I will miss dearly and that is ME. During this journey I have caught glimpses of my pre-cancer self and I miss her. I miss her energy and never-ending vibrant enthusiasm and other aspects of that bubbly personality. I'm sure you may have seen her peek her head out and even hang out for a spell but she doesn't stay out long. She tires much more easily and therefore doesn't spend nearly as much time in public as she did in the past.

Cancer has effected my life in ways I never would have imagined. GOOD and BAD. It has ravaged my body, turned my life upside down, wreaked havoc on my finances, robbed me of my energy, and played disappearing acts with my hair, just to name a few. The ONE thing cancer could not do was break my spirit and, if anything, it has strengthened my faith.

So as I say my final farewell to cancer and treatment I must also bid adieu to shadows of my former self. But if I had to put my feelings into words I would have to borrow these:

I've had some good days, I've had some hills to climb

I've had some weary days and sleepless nights

but when I look around and start to think things over

all of my good days outweigh my bad days

and I won't complain

The Gift That Keeps On Giving

Wednesday was a momentous occasion for me. It was the first day I went to work without my wig and the beginning of my "Wig Free For Life" journey. The only way to describe the feeling is LIBERATING!! It wasn't the first time I had left the house without my wig but what made it such a big deal is that Tuesday was the last day I would EVER feel like I was in hair bondage.

Being a school teacher my big concern was How would my students react? I teach six and seven-year olds and we all know how brutally honest kids can be. Monday I struggled while getting ready for work. I really didn't want to wear it but I was still somewhat self-conscious about letting go. So I slapped it on my head...half cocked and went to work. I know I probably looked crazy but I didn't care at that point. This was a sure sign that the time had come to let go. My intention was to prep my students so there wouldn't be a shock and awe factor.....plus I would avoid some of that brutal honesty.

Well, the day got away from me and I forgot my intended prep session so shock and awe it would have to be. When I walked in Wednesday morning the reaction wasn't nearly as exaggerated as I thought it would be. For the most part they all just looked surprised, there were a few gasps, a couple of Why did you cut your hair Ms. Martin?, and one It wasn't her hair, it was a wig (A few of the kids already knew it was a wig). Unfortunately I didn't escape that brutal child-like honesty. There were a couple of very memorable comments.

1.  "You mean to tell me that was a wig all along?!?! (student shakes head then places head in hands in disbelief). THIS IS CRAZY!!
2. "You know Ms. Martin, you look kind of silly like that."

Despite looking silly, I left work feeling great. I was glad that I let go and learned even more about myself and my hang-ups through this cancer journey of mine. I was on my way to take the kids to bible study at church and I still had a million and one things going through my head. I had to go receive more cancer treatment the next day, I was having issues with my radiation area, my nephew was having some health and school issues, etc. etc. Just then I looked up and realized I was approaching a red light....and BAM!!!! I hit the brakes but was unable to stop before hitting a Cadillac Escalade. There was only a scratch on the rim of the Escalade but my Magnum was not as lucky. Thankfully the kids and I came out unscathed. God was truly watching over us.

So that leads me to today, Thursday, as I sit here in my treatment room receiving Herceptin at Louisville Oncology. I've been experiencing some skin irritations and severe itching in the areas where I received radiation. The nurse informed me that even though it may sound weird, the fact that I am experiencing the irritations lets them know the radiation is working. My skin is beginning to crack and possibly burn again. YaY me!! *heavy sigh* The nurse says that even though I finished radiation in October the effects could last for months. Between the falling out of my hair, to losing my taste buds, to 2nd and 3rd degree burns from my initial radiation, to the toenails that are STILL coming off.....Cancer seems to be the gift that keeps on giving!!!

Despite all of this I must tell you that right now my heart is HAPPY!! For this happiness I'd like to thank God for the gift of his son Jesus Christ. When you've been blessed in life the way I have, even the trials can't steal your joy. That's Jesus Joy!! My faith is unwavering and my gratefulness cannot be measured. My prayer is that you all experience that joy that gives you peace in the middle of your storms. It's a wonderful thing.

The Choice Is Yours

As I sit here in children's hospital with my nephew on the children's oncology floor my perspective begins to fine tune itself even more. Dealing with adult cancer is one thing but watching a child suffer is an entirely different entity. My nephew doesn't have cancer but he has Sickle Cell. In my opinion it's an even more debilitating disease because there is no cure and he will suffer from this his entire life.

I remember watching my brother suffer from this disease as a child. The horrible pain, the screams of agony, all the hospital visits, countless needles, the list goes on and on. My dad has the disease and passed it on to my brother and my sister. My sister didn't suffer nearly as bad as my brother did. She rarely had crises or episodes but when she did it was almost worst than watching my brother suffer. He was used to it and knew what to expect. That didn't make it easier but he tolerated these episodes better than my sister. Unfortunately, my sister ended up with the severe lung issues with the disease when she got older and it ultimately caused her death. Anyone who is close to me and my family knows the hardships we have endured regarding health issues. So when I tell you we come from a family of fighters....believe me, IT'S IN OUR BLOOD (literally and figuratively).

I keep hearing people say, "It must be awful to have to deal with him being sick and you're dealing with your health issues too." I will say it's tiring but I must be honest, I'm still thankful. Why? This is his first crises in a long time. Imagine my terror when I found out about my cancer last December knowing I had a child with serious health issues of his own. I was petrified. What happens if he gets sick and I'm sick? Then what?      

Well, the other day I was on the phone with my sister and she was saying the same thing and I couldn't help but say, "You know what? I'm not mad because at least he waited until I got through my surgeries, months of chemotherapy and radiation before he had an episode. At least now I am well enough to handle it." He overheard my telephone conversation and when I hung up he said, "Aunt Nana, I tried my best not to get sick because I knew you were sick." It's one of those parenting moments that brings tears to your eyes. Lord knows he has given me my share of parenting problems but this was one of those moments that make you feel proud.

I am nearing the end of my journey and happy doesn't begin to describe how I feel. For me there is a light at the end of the tunnel but for him there is not. I still have good days and bad days but who doesn't? So, before you begin to wallow in self misery or book the room for your pity party be thankful for what you have and be mindful of how your situation COULD be worse. If you are negative or bitter it is because YOU choose to be. It may sound cliché but 'Let Go and Let God'. Your life will be much more enjoyable.

For this life I choose happiness, peace, and tranquility. Try it, you just might like it.



Through The Fire

Well, I've successfully finished chemo AND radiation and for that I am more grateful than you could ever know. I have almost completed my journey and ecstatic doesn't even begin to  describe the feeling I have!! If you have followed my blog then you know there were some days I didn't think I'd make it and others I felt on top of the world. It has definitely been a roller coaster ride that I only plan on taking ONCE.

After chemo was over I was ready to party (mentally anyway) because physically the symptoms lingered for quite a while. I tried to rush radiation because I knew the sooner it began, the sooner it would end. Unfortunately, my oncologist made me wait three and a half weeks before my first session. Radiation was a breeze compared to everything else I had been through. What WAS overwhelming about radiation is that I had to do it everyday (Monday-Friday) for six and a half weeks. That's thirty three treatments to be exact. I attended every treatment with my kids in tow and never missed one because I was not going delay my 'happy ending' under any circumstances.

Each week I met with my radiation oncologist and he asked the same questions about how my skin was holding up. Wondering if I experienced any rashes, irritations, soreness, burning, etc. But luckily, I didn't. Further along in my treatment the doctor showed up in the radiation room to check my skin because he couldn't believe I hadn't had any adverse reactions yet. He was pleasantly surprised and I was convinced I would make it through this with flying colors. After all, nothing could be worse than chemotherapy right? RIGHT?!

At that point I only had five treatments left. Each day for a week leading up to that I would tear up each day while laying in the machine thinking of how much I'd been through and how the worst was about to be over and some days I couldn't keep the tears of joy from flowing down my cheeks. Then, with four treatments left, my skin gave out on me. It turned dark in the treatment area, became raw, and then the skin began to peel. This was the demise my doctor kept talking about.

So here I am, it's been three weeks since my last treatment and I never knew it would be like this. I have second and third degree burns under my left arm, on my left side, and now creeping around to my stomach. My flesh is exposed and much of the burn area is still oozing. I can't even begin to think about wearing a bra and the pain is unbearable. The only time I am not in pain is while I am laying still taking shallow breaths and vicadin has become my new best friend. It hurts to laugh, to walk, and especially when I sit down or get up, basically it hurts to move at all. I can't even stand completely upright because as the burns begin to heal the skin tightens and any sudden movements make me crack the skin all over again. Most days I don't even want to get out of bed and I feel as though I am always holding back tears from the pain.

Last night I was talking to one of my friends and she was crying just listening to my story. She said she couldn't believe how strong I was and at that point I couldn't either because right now I'd love nothing more than to just break down. What I have learned, from experience, is that you truly NEVER know how strong you are until being strong is the only option you have. So right now I will hold back my tears and continue to be thankful that I've made it through this journey with flying colors and plenty of colorful scars. I have challenged myself to do as much as I can to educate others and have agreed to do my first speaking engagement in two weeks.

If you have been moved by this and want to know if there is anything you can do to help me...ladies, FEEL YOUR BOOBIES. Gentlemen...FEEL SOMEONE ELSE'S BOOBIES....lol. But seriously men, talk to the women you care about and make sure they do self exams and have mammograms regularly.